Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Things That Make Me Laugh

I know it's Thanksgiving and I should be listing all the things that I am thankful for - my family, my friends, my job, my health, but I am thankful for those things every day. So, I decided that I should tell you things that have made me laugh this month.

1) First, this poem, compliments of Brian Palmby. I have no idea where he comes up with this shit but I can't wait for our night before Thanksgiving tradition!

Twas the night before Thanksgiving, and all through the bar
People were eating wings, as they came from afar.
The orders were told to the waitress with care,
In the hopes that the cold beer would soon be there....

"Now Medium! now, Mango Habanero! now, Mild and Garlic Parmesan!
On, Asian Zing! On, BBQ! on, on Teriyaki and Blazin!
To the top of the stomach! Eat this fireball!
Now eat away! Eat away! Eat away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard the Impala
The prancing and pawing of local fella.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Into the entrance Zeke came with a bound.

He was dressed all in Carharrt, from his head to his foot,
And his hoodies were all tarnished with wrenches and soot.
A bundle of alloys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a bachelor, just opening his six-pack.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Eating all the wings, even the last Caribbean-jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, he started bitch slapping all the Ho's!

He sprang to his Impala, not before taking a piddle,
And away he drove in cold November drizzle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Thanksgiving to all, and thanks for the invite!"

2) Sophia Frankenstein - she is starting to walk but she looks like Frankenstein trying to keep her balance! The squeals of delight when she gets to you and gets a hug is awesome!

3) Traverse City Toast the Season Wine Tour - This is always a good time. 8 wineries and 1 distillery in a day, how can you go wrong? But what I don't get is the people that wear boas, Santa hats and matching shirts. This is not a race, this is not a team event. You don't wear a boa to a fancy restaurant, why to a winery?

4) Breaking Dawn Part I Premiere - I have never seen so many teenagers decked out in Victoria Secret PINK apparel and Uggs in all my life. You would have sworn we were at the premiere with the stars with the amount of camera flashes that were going off! The Twilight trivia, the tweens yelling "Team Edward", " Team Jacob" and clapping certainly made sure the movie and the previews were not boring!

So Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Where Has The Time Gone?

My baby turns 1 in 5 days? Where did the last 360 days go? One year ago, I was cursing my doctor telling her to get this kid out of me, because she was 1 day late and I needed to go to Japan in 16 days! 24 hours of languishing in the hospital waiting for the drugs to kick in to induce labor did nothing to improve my mood! I was not sick, I was bored! Luckily, Mary Jo, Fay and Wendy came and played Scrabble Slam and Trivial Pursuit. Fay was on a roll with her stand-up comedy routine and my room was definitely the loudest on the floor.

Finally, labor. Laughing hysterically that Tom got up in the middle of the night and got dressed so he could spring into action at a moment's notice. Too bad that moment, took 12 hours! Then, there was the epidural, that took 1 1/2 hours to put in (3 attempts) and we cursing at the 3 Doctors screaming "I told you I did not want medical students!" only to find out they were just inept doctors! I was too pissed to be embarrassed!

Flash forward a year, how could it be a year! She is the most captivating creature on the planet. Her new game of peek-a-b00 is hysterical. She will cover her face, or her eyes, or even part of 1 eye and will not stop until you say "Where's Sophia? She's hiding on Mommy!" We need to have a talk - a ball the size of your hand does not cover your whole body.

She is already playing Mommy and Daddy. She will not feed herself when we are around. She will pick up her puff, hand it to you and then open her mouth! Really, Lazy Daisy??? But, put her in the big kid's room at school and she is eating her snack by herself and using her sippy cup like a pro. Hmmmm, we talk to your teachers ya know!

How about her melodramatics? She can be playing along, get tired, and just lay down, sprawl out and sigh. Really, life is that hard? You've lost your will? In 5 seconds? I wish I could decompress that quickly!

It's definitely been the best year of my life, but also the craziest! Happy Birthday to Mommy's Little Baby!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Baseball Shenanigan's

Wendy and I always have weird adventures when we go places. No matter where it is, Starbuck's, shopping, vacation, there is always some weirdo with radar who hones in on us. First, we were driving to Detroit and saw something that must have been illegal if the police were around. We saw a mini-van cruising down 94 with both slide doors open, with the driver and the passenger holding them. Probably not the safest thing ever as you drive 70 mph. One wrong move and appendages are gone. If your windows do not work, wouldn't you maybe bungee cord the door open for air instead of this alternative? Not sure we are dealing with the smartest people here!

OK, now we get to our seats to be asked by Mr. Perky Usher, where are our seats? Um, where we are sitting stupid! After being told that he did not realize that the Tigers had sold any tickets in this section, we were left alone. Why would they not sell tickets in this section? It is one of the best in the stadium. I guess it was our private VIP section. No sausage stuffed LA Dodgers section.

As a few more people sat in the section, again the usher's perplexment, the Bald Brigade sat down in front of us. 4 men dressed the same, in the same type of glasses, all with no hair. Were they trying to be quadruplets? Really, you just look ridiculous!

What's up with the Weird Wave people? Why are they at every game and why do they think it is their responsibility to convince 30,000 people to act like idiots instead of watching the game?

Finally, at the last Tiger's game, we had a first. The seagulls started congregating on the field for a convention when a load screech erupts. The grounds crew is shooting flares with hunting sounds off to scare the birds. This goes on for several innings before the heinous sound ends! I can understand this at Giant's stadium maybe, but in the middle of the D? Really? Who thought this was a good idea?

As Wendy and I spend the evening laughing, we chalk it up to another wacky weirdo adventure!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Freaky Facts and Odd Outings

Well, it's been a while since my last blog, but we were on Day 3 of our Pittsburgh part guy. Wendy offered to hang out with Sophia so Fay and I could explore. First, we went to Fallingwater, which does not allow visitors under 6. WTF? They are too good for little kids? After hiking a 1/4 mile down a trail in thunder and lightening, we arrived at the magnificent Frank Llyod Wright house where apparently all the guides are required to use walking sticks. Our dressed in black, bedazzled jacket woman with hair as high as a bee hive, regaled for over an hour about unique architect facts, while Fay and I focused in on the bar and kept telling each other "Just a splash darling, I'm serious" as we giggled through the tour sneaking cheese crackers to eat (as we were starving)!

The we decided to drive another 6 miles into the stix to see another Frank Lloyd Wright house, Kentuck Knob. What a funny name! I certainly would not brag about living at a house with a name like that. Speaking of, why do people name their houses? What should Tom and I name our condo? Hmmm, McAllister Manse, Meadow Hall, really? I don't think so.

Then, it was off to a winery, and to Nemocolin Spa and Resort, which immediately plunged us into the movie Dirty Dancing as we were yelling "No Body Puts Baby in a Corner!" Things got crazy in the car when we saw a sign for Mystic Falls and started looking for Damon and Stephen Salvatore from the Vampire Diaries. We were sure we would be bit by a vampire at any minute!

On the way back to Uniontown, we paid homage to the Scott's when we visited Fort Necessity (where we don't like history that you have to pay for), Braddock's Grave and the Mount Washington Tavern.

The day completed with me going to bed while Wendy, Fay and her Dad (who was not technically playing) trivial pursuit yelling answers. I was woken up to be quizzed about the strongest muscle in the human body. Groggily, I said "the tongue, of course" turned over and prayed that these two crazies would let me go back to sleep!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Science of Sightseeing

So up early Thursday morning for a marathon day of sightseeing. After spending the prerequisite 1/2 hour packing up all the crap we unpacked the night before and hauling it to the car and pretending to feed Sophia a waffle to freak Tom out, we were off to Barnes and Noble to stand in line for our passes to the Jen Lancaster book signing that night. That's when the fun started! Jean Jacket Bitchy Girl decided that she had been "temporarily hired" by Barnes and Noble to tell everyone else in line what to do, because being #4 in line somehow also grants you the power to be an ass! After securing the 14th, 15th and 16th "golden tickets" and securing our books, we were off to downtown to walk along the river front and take a tour of PNC park.

The tour was awesome and we got to go all over the place and met pitchers James McDonald (right off the minors plane) and Paul Malholm. We oohed and ahhed over where the Taylor Lautner movie "Abduction" was filmed within the stadium. We were able to go on the warning track on the field and in the dugout. Because Sophia is super cute, she got to put her tootsies down on the actual grass!

Then it was off to lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe and off to Monongahela Incline, which for the life of me I could not pronounce much to Wendy and Fay's amusement. After the hot 5 minute RIDE up the side of the hill, we decided we should reward ourselves with ice cream, for which we had to walk 100 feet for. If we wanted gourmet coffee, we would have had to walk 120 feet, so being lazy, we decided that was too far!

Then it was back to the Waterfront to hang out until Jen's book event. We decided to have a WT picnic on the grass in the parking lot so Sophia could roly poly and we could chill. That lasted for all of 10 minutes before it started pouring, thunder and lightening. So we decided to do what we do best - SHOP! Off to DSW!

I decided to try on some Guess flip flops (retailing for $24.95). As I put them back in the box to purchase them, I see blue ink on my chest. After inspection, the security ink tag on these shoes has exploded onto my skin, my new, first time worn shorts and my boob. They are so lucky that Sophia wasn't Smurfed up like I was or they really would have had a pissed off person on their hands! After "this has never happened before" by several members of the staff, I left looking like Smurfette. Really, you need a ink tag for cheap flip flops? These are not Loubatins or Manolos or even Havianas for F sake, really? Boy, they really trust their customers!

Not wanting to go to the Book signing looking like a deranged fan, a quick change in the parking lot was necessary (luckily we still had all our crap in the car)! From there it was off to an uneventful dinner at Gran Agave followed by the book signing which was excellent! After securing our signed books and our requisite picture, we started the 1 hour trek to Wendy's parent's house where it continued to rain hard enough to cause flooding. We swear we saw Noah's Arc pass by and a flying cow shoot by.

Once finally at Tom and Donna's it was time to unpack the car, set up the pack and play again (we did better this time) and pass out! Tomorrow is another day of fun!

Monday, May 16, 2011

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Pittsburgh....

As I sat down to write this blog, the play, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" came to mind. Not sure why, by hey, it made for a good title. Let me set the stage (pun intended) - Fay, Wendy and I are about to take Sophia on her 1st girl's road trip. This adventure will take place in 5 acts (5 days - Wednesday night - Sunday) and will feature comedy, drama, tragedy and adventure!

The adventure starts as I am trying to pack the Green Vue for the adventure. After I have crammed the pack and play, the bumbo, the stroller, diapers, formula, food, a myriad of outfits and some toys into the back, I wonder "Where in the hell will I put Fay and Wendy's items?" We decide we don't need to see out of the back of the car window and we will only drive forward so we do not have to use our rear view mirror. Crisis averted!

After Wendy is warned not to pack like WT (in plastic grocery bags) and to use a luggage apparatus with a zipper, we are off! The Ohio turnpike is enough to poke your eye out, it is so boring! When you look it up on FourSquare, one of the options that comes up is BFE. I agreed heartily and checked in!

Sophia did really well on the 5+ hour drive as I whined "Are we there yet?" about every 15 minutes. We stopped for Popeyes chicken (who says rest stop food is not awesome) and then a Starbuck's. We arrived at the Comfort Inn (thanks Rachel) and proceeded to acquire a luggage cart to start the 1/2 hour process of unloading the car, dealing with a leaky, POS cooler and assembling the pack and play in the room. Who knew it would take 3 college educated people to make that happen? Sophia enjoyed her 1st night in a hotel as we got some much needed sleep for Day 2 of our adventure, which I am dubbing "Bee Bopping in the 'Burgh!"

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Obsessive Gene

Can someone please tell me on what chromosome does the obsessive gene lie? I apparently inherited one from both of my parents and it is a dominant part of my personality. How else can I explain why I stayed up late trying to finish my weekly New York crossword puzzle instead of going to sleep, even though I was exhausted?

Now trying to answer the crossword puzzle was not enough. I had to google search the clues I did not know so I could learn new things and actually finish the entire puzzle. Besides Jeopardy, where else I am going to need to know that the resort island near Venice is named Lido, that a long-jawed freshwater predator is called a Gar and that James Agee wrote "A Death in the Family."

In the kingdom of random facts, I would be Queen!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Retirement aka What the Heck Happened to My Parents?

Even though my Dad has been retired for 10 years, my Mom just retired in December. After visiting my family and Kiki's family, they were headed to Florida to escape the nasty New York winter. After stops at the St. Louis Arch and in Memphis to worship Elvis, that this where things started to get twilight zone like.

My Mom got a job at Lowe's because she decided she would be too bored otherwise. The kicker is that she was hired for the garden department. I inherited her black thumb as we both have trouble keeping cacti alive, it is hilarious that she now has thousands of plants to care for.

Then, their social life kicked up. They have been flitting about to poker, bingo, volunteering in the community, choir concerts, and getting up at 3 am to work the water stations at the Disney marathon. WTF? When did they get more of a life then me?

The kicker came one Saturday afternoon when Tom, Sophia and I were hunkered inside because it was snowing and they called. From where you ask? A boat in the Gulf of Mexico! That is just plain cruel!

Finally, don't even get me started on the flea markets and garage sales they attend. My Mom never even wanted to have a garage sale when I was growing up, much less go to one. Again, things get weird when photos of ceramic monkeys strapped into a stroller are sent to me from an unknown phone (aka Mom's friend Joanne). Really? We were very scared, we thought Mom had fallen off her rocker!

Seriously though, I am thrilled that they are enjoying themselves so much. OK, not so much when it is cold or rainy or when I am at work or when I wish I was on vacation. Love ya Mom and Dad!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm Back! Where Has My Mind Gone?

OK, I know I have been an extreme slacker since Sophia was born, but who knew that bathing, eating, playing and pooping could take up so much time? By the time I sit down in the evening, it is 9:30 and I need to go to bed since I am getting up at 6:06 am every week day morning and I am not a morning person.

I never understood how people became scatter-brained when they had a baby, until I lived it! I mean just this morning, I drove out of the parking lot with my to go cup on the roof, only to find it 100 feet from where I started smashed to smithereens! This is the 2nd time I have done that in the 6 months since Sophia was born. I know I need to do spring cleaning and clean out the cupboards, but my to go cup supply is dwindling rapidly.

If the normal routine was not enough, a sick baby adds to the melee. First, it was roto-virus, which had me running to Babies R Us before our flight to Florida for plastic underpants to contain any possible poopsplosions. Then, there was bronchiolitis, which meant Darth Vader breathing treatments every four hours. What kind of sick joke is it to have to get up every 4 hours and stand over the crib hunched like Quasimodo, while your baby is sleeping peacefully? I mean we got luck with a good sleeper and we still have to get up.

Then, don't even get me started on the wrangling necessary to shove some chalky like antibiotics into a surprisingly strong-jawed little one who detests it. Two people, lots of wipes and hoping that 50% made it in, were all part of the 2, ten day treatments we have had fun with.

So, if I forget something, let's say a coffee cup, you now know why? My mind is full of other more adventurous tasks!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Cliques at Jazzercise

I have noticed that there are different types of people that attend Jazzercise. There are at least 5 cliques (almost like high school).

There are the "normals" which I consider myself part of. I go to class because I need the exercise. I participate, I count off my hour, and then I go home.

Then there are the "peppies." These people are just annoying. No matter how early it is, they have energy oozing from their pores, and look very put together. They make me want to smack them.

There are the "hard cores." They take 2 or 3 classes in a row and never break a sweat. They make me feel really out of shape.

There are the "interpretative dancers." These people dance to their own music in their head. They do not follow the instructor and seem like they should be in a creative dance class instead of a structured Jazzercise class. They are the least annoying though, watching them makes me laugh and takes my mind off the remaining minutes of class that I still have to survive.

Then there are "The Others" - the old man in his spandex pants, the woman who always shows up late to class, the people wearing spandex that really shouldn't. The seem a bit like me, just trying to survive :)!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Leave Well Enough Alone

My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles - this mnemonic was how I learned my planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto). That is until the International Astronomical Union on August 24, 2006 decided that Pluto was not a planet, but a dwarf planet. WTF???? I don't think once you become a planet, you should be downgraded. For 76 years, it had been good enough to play with the big kids. What gives? What becomes of my mnemonic? My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nothing? Not a good idea.

As if this was not enough, when I was in school, we learned there were 4 oceans - the Atlantic, Pacific, Indian and Arctic. But in 2000, another strangely odd organization, the International Hydrographic Organization, decided another ocean (the Southern Ocean) was necessary. How do you expect parents to help their children with their school work? Maybe I will form an organization, create an ocean called The Michelle and start a campaign to have it taught in school. If others can do it, why not me?

More madness today - zodiac signs are changing. Apparently, your zodiac sign corresponds to the position of the sun relative to constellations as they appeared over 2200 years ago! A phenomenon called precession (blah, blah, blah) has altered the position of the constellations we see today. So astronomers decided that the new signs are:

Capricorn - Jan 20 to Feb 16
Aquarius - Feb 16 to Mar 11
Pisces - Mar 11 to Apr 18
Aries - Apr 18 to May 13
Taurus - May 13 to Jun 21
Gemini - Jun 21 to Jul 20
Cancer - Jul 20 to Aug 10
Leo - Aug 10 to Sep 16
Virgo - Sep 16 to Oct 30
Libra - Oct 30 to Nov 23
Scorpius - Nov 23 to Nov 29
Ophiuchus - Nov 29 to Dec 17
Sagittarius - Dec 17 to Jan 20

My birthday is March 10th and I have been a Pisces all my life. Now you are telling me I am an Aquarius, I don't think so! They added a new sign - the Ophiuchus. How do you even pronounce that? If a guy asks you your sign, is this really how you want to respond??

So please, stop changing fundamental facts that I grew up with. People need to know what they learned in school is still real!