Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dear Summer

Dear Summer -

Hello, are you here to stay this time? It is May 20th for fu*k sake and I am very disappointed in your visitations so far this year. You have made me wear a winter parka to 2 regular baseball games this season. You have seriously cut into my cute skirt and comfortable capri wearing season. You have really made me mad and I think you owe me an apology.

I love you summer for many reasons including:

1) Flip - flops - these are the best show invention ever! I am a huge fan of the Havianas, I have at least a 1/2 dozen pairs. They go with everything. However, when they break in Babies R Us, they are trouble. You look like you are a cripple instead of a pregnant lady trying to register for a crib!

2) Baseball Games - the best summer entertainment ever! Unless you have to wear a winter parka (see above) or the Yankees blow 2 saves in 1 week!

3) Hanging out at the pool - except when you rush all pasty white from the airplane in Florida to the pool and proceed to get lobster red within an hour and emit heat like a volcano for the next 3 days!

4) BBQs - it's all fun and games until the fireworks come out with the beer and certain friends burn their eye brows off.

I appreciate that you have come to visit today, but I think you should make this an extended visit. Don't make me turn to Fall as my favorite!

A Disgruntled Fan

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My New Favorite "Bestie"

Jen Lancaster is my new favorite author of all time. She does not write fiction, business books, serious books or even chic lit books. She writes about the crazy shit that happens to her in everyday life. She was my inspiration in creating this blog in the first place, I figured crazy shit happens to me all the time, why can't people think I am cool and interesting as well.

Why do I like Jen Lancaster so much? Well even the titles of her books are awesome - Bitter is the New Black; Bright Lights, Big Ass; Such a Pretty Fat; Pretty in Plaid and her newest My Fair Lazy. How can you not fall in love with these interesting book titles? Wendy, Fay and I recently had the opportunity to attend a Jen Lancaster book discussion and signing and let me tell you what a marathon event this was. It was not for the weak.

We were up at 6:30 AM for the 7:00 PM book discussion and signing. We were off armed with snacks, Starbuck's, folding chairs, umbrellas, books and the saying "It's Girl's Day Bitches." We arrived at 8:30 am at Borders which opened at 9 am (Sadly, a husband who works for Border's corporate is absolutely no help here) and quickly made friends with the girl's from Grand Rapids in the line in front of us.

All was fine until Clueless Cathy bypasses the line and stands by the door. I muttered "it is too early to go gangster, but I will if I have to" and our new blond friend from Grand Rapids added "I might be small but I am mean" as we were sure no one was going to get a coveted wristband BEFORE us. Finally, Clueless Cathy said "are you here for a book club?" WTF? Yes, we are standing outside a closed store on a weekday with NO children for a book club. Are you for real? We assessed she was not a threat to our wristbands so we did not open a can of whoop ass on her.

As we swarmed through the door and received our coveted silver wristbands, our new mantra of the day became "We are silver bitches!" Once in possession of the wristbands, it was off to spend the day wandering around rainy Birmingham. Yes, it rain the entire day, it never stopped! We had breakfast at Toast where we had Toast Juice. Who knew that White Grape Juice would be so enthralling? We had manis/pedis, did some shopping, had some more Starbuck's (like any of us needed to be more hopped on caffeine) and then off to the movies to escape the weather.

We headed back to Border's at 4:30 p.m. for the 7:00 p.m. discussion and were promptly greeted by Clueless II aka Ken. Ken looked at us incredibly that we were there 2 1/2 hours early but we were so late, we got 2nd row seats! We promptly compared our days with our Grand Rapids friends and made new Yankee friends behind us.

It took us 5 minutes into the book discussion to know the marathon day was worth it! Jen is hilarious! She answered all our questions, including mine on why did she hate the Kardashians when she loves reality TV and then we got in line for our autographs. Our coveted silver bracelets guaranteed us one of the 1st 50 signings, where over 250 people queued up. Poor Mindy had a blue bracelet and Murph was in the basement with a pink wristband never to be heard from again.

When we got up to meet Jen, we got our pictures taken, promptly told us we wanted to be her "bestie" (best friend) and told her to come visit Ann Arbor and us toute suite!

As we left Border's we did the adult thing, we went home instead of stalking the Yankees at their Birmingham hotel. We had had enough adventure for 1 day!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Is This a Fantasy?

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to go to Reno for work. It was a Friday morning meeting so I decided to stay and take the red eye home Saturday and check out Lake Tahoe. A friend of mine knew a friend in Lake Tahoe that owned a hotel and he offered to put me up free for the night. Being single (and frankly cheap), I was all over the offer. After spending a tranquil day exploring the majestic scenery, I checked into the Fantasy Inn. Turns out the hotel was a couple's retreat. Being by myself, I immediately checked in, slinked quietly upstairs to my room, locked the door.

Then, I was in for a surprise! The bed was on a raised platform in the middle of the room with mirrors on the ceiling. There was a fireplace that you could buy wood for. There was an assortment of bath oils, champagne, and bubbles that could be purchased from the mini bar. The shower was an open structure in the corner. It was extremely interesting, but hey it's free, so it's for me!

I slunk back out of the hotel and spent a fun evening at the Hard Rock Casino watching Yankee baseball, drinking martinis in the roof top bar and getting an aqua massage. I returned back to the hotel, slunk back to my room, locked the door, placed a chair in front of the door for good measure and put some ear plugs in. A girl can never be too careful - you have no idea what could be going on in the other rooms!

Everything was fine until 3 am! I woke up disoriented and thought there was someone in my room. As I started screaming and swinging my arms to "fight", I finally realized, I was looking through my contact-free eyes at the reflection in the ceiling mirror! FFS! After some deep breathing to get my heart rate out of the cardiac arrest range, I went back to sleep for the rest of the night.

Saturday was fun, more exploring of this awesome place before the red eye home to Michigan. The moral of the story: Sometimes free is NOT for me!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Unlimited Opportunities

"You will soon be confronted with unlimited opportunities." - I found this old fortune cookie tucked a book that I was getting ready to sell. This is a pretty good fortune compared to some of the lame ones that are often in the cookies. Unlimited opportunities got me thinking. Over the past few years, I have had many cool opportunities. A few that pop to mind include:

- Parasailing in Tunisia - where else in the world do you not have to sign a waiver, get a 30 second steering instruction and then let loose to come in and land over a 4 lane road?

- Emergency Airline Evacuation in Sabadell, Spain - the simulator gave us turbulence, smoke and the chance to slide off a wing onto the ground in a skirt suit.

- Segway tour in Vienna, Austria - again, why are other countries so trusting? Give me the equivalent of a motorized scooter with 30 minutes of training as we are expected to weave in and out of city rush hour traffic at dusk. It is a miracle that a few bruises and bumps are all we got. We narrowly avoided an international traffic incident or 2, but what can I say, we are stealth like, like spies. Not! More like the Tasmanian devil where people rush to get out of our wake.

- Visiting North Korea - sure it was accompanied by both good military police and bad military police watching our every move, but I know my feet stepped over the line and I was in enemy territory. Made me think I was in a Rambo movie.

- Sitting in a wooden shoe in Amsterdam that fit me. Where else could you find such a thing? I guess the city where pot is legal and the Red Light District is alive and kicking!

- Attending cocktail parties for JCI in various historic locations - in the catacombs of the Teatro Circulo in Rosario, Argentina, in the G20 site of Busan, Korea and the old chateau where the European Union was formed.

- Climbing the smallest stairs ever in the lighthouse of Colonia, Uraguay - Tom scrapped his back, broke his glasses and I hiked the 120 steps pregnant in 95 degree heat. Never let it be said they we are not up for an adventure!

- Biking a volcano, going on a submarine ride and navigating the road to Hana in Maui - we didn't have time for zip lining or snorkeling, but oh well, it gives us something to do next time we are there :)!

Unlimited Opportunities abound, all I need to do is say "Yes!"

Monday, May 3, 2010

Adventures on the Way to Argentina

First of all, I am a bad blogger. But here are my excuses - I was gone the last 30 out of 35 days, I was sick for 2 weeks straight and I am pregnant and have a million and 10 things to do before the baby arrives in October. So, unfortunately, that's the story. Deal with it. I am.

First of all,the trip there was an adventure. I get a random, cryptic text from Lori ranting "I hate Delta" and nothing else. Does that mean she is going to miss our connection in Atlanta, does that mean they made her sit in a middle seat, what? Could we be a little more specific here? Of course, when I call and text her paniced when we arrive in Atlanta, she is no where to be found. Turns out, they made her check her carry-on roller bag, she created a scene on the plane and the lady next to her was scared to ask her if she could get up and go to the bathroom Hell hath no fury like a woman who's "stuff" is taken away for the next 15 hours!

Next up, the shi**y plane to Buenos Aires. I mean this tin can was so old it is lucky it could get airborne. It did not have movies at our seats, the arm rests did not go up and they retrofitted sounds systems into the seats, taking about 3 inches of the precious width of the chair. Let me tell you, pregnant, I needed this. I did not realize how my body was changing until I had to wedge my a** into that little seat like a jack in the box in a can. This madness has to stop. I keep telling the kid to eat my chub (Lord knows, I had extra before we started), but so far, he/she has not been listening. This outright willfulness is going to have to stop toute suite!

Once we arrived at the hotel, we almost didn't get a room at 9 am because it did not have a view and was on the 1st floor. After traveling for 18 hours, do you think I give 2 shakes about a view? There was no beach out the window, we were in the middle of the city for crying out loud. Just give me a shower so I can turn back into a semi-functioning human being!

Now that we have arrived and have showered and changed clothes, watch out Buenos Aires, here we come!