More Pregnancy Ramblings

Well we talked about the basics before, no alcohol, stupid people making comments that they should really keep to themselves and unexpected alien movements. But as the time ticks down (less than a month to go), let me tell you a few more of my pet peeves.

First of all, what is with the feet swelling? I am still exercising, I am still walking around, why does water seem to accumulate - I have permanent cankles! Really, you would think I was drinking 10 gallons of liquid a day. On top of that, note to self, dropping a pineapple can from the highest shelf in the kitchen onto your foot does not help matters.

Next up, incessant, useless Dr. visits. Please tell me why it is OK to keep me waiting 20 - 40 minutes to tell me how many weeks pregnant I am and to tell me I have gained more weight. I am acutely aware of how pregnant I am and they have these inventions called scales that are miracles of modern technology. Also, I can get up off the exam table (see above, I still do sit-ups at exercise class), I do not need your assistance. Maybe there are other lazy a**es out there who enjoy hanging out at the doctor's office, but I am not one of them!

I want to be able to paint my toe nails without feeling like I hiked a set of stairs - in July when I was home, I conned my sister into painting my toe nails. She thought I could not reach toes and she agreed to it, but got mad when she realized I could reach my feet when I applied the clear coat myself. I was just being lazy and wanted to be pampered. Now I could use some help, where are you Kiki?

Wardrobe - really it needs to say above 65 until Mimi is born. I have no pants that fit, only skirts and capris and I don't need frost bite waiting for her to arrive. That would just be the icing (pun intended) on the cake!

The nursery is ready, Tom is infant CPR certified and we are off to Daddy Boot Camp and Mommy Survival classes this weekend. Now, we just need you to hurry up and come hang out with us!

The Glow of Pregancy is BS!

For all the women who go around telling you being pregnant is the best thing that has ever happened to them, they are complete liars. Their noses should be growing like Pinocchio. While parts of pregnancy are cool (like feeling the baby kick and hearing the heartbeat), most is not.

Let's start at the beginning when you do not know you are pregnant. Say you are tromping around the Paraguayan jungle in 100 degree heat in a suit, and you feel like dying, not too much fun! Or when you are at Carnivale jumping and dancing in a penned area for several hours, and you feel like passing out of exhaustion, the excitement of being at freakin' Carnivale is somewhat tempered.

How about the not drinking for 9 months punishment? Absolute torture! Definitely the hardest part of being pregnant! I like my apple martinis damn it and a club soda and cranberry juice does not cut it. I mean, I have resorted to non-alcoholic beer for the taste, how pathetic is that? Birthday Extravaganzas, Bar Crawls and German Park definitely lose some of their appeal!

Now the unsolicited comments: "You look like you have popped." "Wow! It's a hot summer for you to be pregnant!" "You look a little fuller." First of all, I am not a balloon. I have not popped anything. News Flash, babies take up space in your body as they get bigger. Do you need Sex 101 again? Second, this summer has been hotter than normal for long periods of time, for EVERYONE, not just for pregnant people like me. Deal with it, the weather sucks! Finally, refer to comment #1. I am pregnant bitch, that is why I look fuller, what is your excuse? Too many cupcakes?

Don't even get me started on when the baby decides to run a marathon when I am trying to sleep, the alien like movements that appear at random times during meetings and are clearly visible through your shirt or the fact that I cannot play softball like I have for the past 23 years of my life. I can't go on amusement park rides, can't go ziplining, can't go white water rafting and I am sure to get weird looks at the upcoming Eminem/Jay-Z concert.

While I am super excited to meet Mimi, could you you hurry up and get on with it? Thanks!