Stadium People

Every time I go to a baseball game or other event at a large venue like a stadium, the people watching is almost better than Grand Central Station at rush hour. The diversity of people is astounding, yet somewhat predictable.

First, you have your beauty queens. Women on dates or looking to impress and definitely not dressed for the occasion. Who thinks it is a good idea to wear 5 inch heals to a baseball game? If I see you in the upper deck, you are not going to get noticed by the players and get rich quick.

Next up, the partiers. These people (predominately men) really could care less who is playing as long as there is beer to be imbibed. I am all about having a good time, but when you decide to puke on the steps or pee on the railings in our section, again, I need to draw the line. How do you think this is acceptable social behavior?

Now you have the uninterested - why bother? I find it sacrilege for you to come to a game and read your book the entire time. Why deal with the crowds, the heat and the chance of getting beaned on the head, when you would rather be home with your Danielle Steele novel?

What about the idiots - by and far the predominant population at every game. The people who keep sitting right next to you infringing on your space even though the rest of the row has been empty for the 1st 3 innings. How about the people who stop in the middle of the concourse for no apparent reason? Step aside dumb ass! Or the people who get up and down 57 times in a game (refer to the partiers) - sit your ass down.

Crazy Outfit wearers are always interesting, as are ugly, fat men who take their shirts off on hot days and decide to dance for the cameras. Really? There is a reason you were not hired as a Chippendale!

Finally, there are those there for the love of the game. They were their gear, they get upset when their team is losing and they actually know the names of their players (and might even have nicknames for them). If the stadium was only filled with these people, life would be good!

More Pregnancy Ramblings

Well we talked about the basics before, no alcohol, stupid people making comments that they should really keep to themselves and unexpected alien movements. But as the time ticks down (less than a month to go), let me tell you a few more of my pet peeves.

First of all, what is with the feet swelling? I am still exercising, I am still walking around, why does water seem to accumulate - I have permanent cankles! Really, you would think I was drinking 10 gallons of liquid a day. On top of that, note to self, dropping a pineapple can from the highest shelf in the kitchen onto your foot does not help matters.

Next up, incessant, useless Dr. visits. Please tell me why it is OK to keep me waiting 20 - 40 minutes to tell me how many weeks pregnant I am and to tell me I have gained more weight. I am acutely aware of how pregnant I am and they have these inventions called scales that are miracles of modern technology. Also, I can get up off the exam table (see above, I still do sit-ups at exercise class), I do not need your assistance. Maybe there are other lazy a**es out there who enjoy hanging out at the doctor's office, but I am not one of them!

I want to be able to paint my toe nails without feeling like I hiked a set of stairs - in July when I was home, I conned my sister into painting my toe nails. She thought I could not reach toes and she agreed to it, but got mad when she realized I could reach my feet when I applied the clear coat myself. I was just being lazy and wanted to be pampered. Now I could use some help, where are you Kiki?

Wardrobe - really it needs to say above 65 until Mimi is born. I have no pants that fit, only skirts and capris and I don't need frost bite waiting for her to arrive. That would just be the icing (pun intended) on the cake!

The nursery is ready, Tom is infant CPR certified and we are off to Daddy Boot Camp and Mommy Survival classes this weekend. Now, we just need you to hurry up and come hang out with us!

Screwballs at Starbuck's

Wendy and I spend several Saturday mornings a month at Starbuck's, gossiping, drinking coffee and playing Scrabble. We go there to hang out with each other, not to make friends, not to influence others and surely not to get unnecessary commentary from wackadoos.

First of all, the music selection there is crazy! It ranges from Jazz, to moaning to indistinguishable sounds that are very distracting when trying to lay down Scrabble Bingos. I want to just give them my I-Pod and say, let's play something recognizable please.

The people watching is great though. One day, no less than 7 cars in a one hour period pulled out of the drive-thru, up to the garbage can and started cleaning out their cars like they were at the car wash. I am pretty sure these garbage bins were meant for Starbuck cups, straw wrappers, etc, not the collection of fast food bags that you have accumulated in the past month that litter your floor.

The nutters that feel the need to stop at our table and comment, "So you are playing Scrabble?" are always great! Unless you are Helen Keller, you can see we are playing Scrabble. It certainly does not look like rummy, so please acknowledge this to yourself and move along, Mr. or Miss Obvious!

Then we have the people who are really nosy - who's winning? what's the best word on the board? have you used the Q or Z yet? Are you kidding me? I am not playing Scrabble with you, I do not like strangers, it is still early in the morning and I am not a morning person, the list goes on and on. In other words, take a hike bozo!

We also have the people who decide they are the fashion police. Granted Wendy and I do not dress for Starbuck's and we often roll in there in work out clothes, lounge clothes, with or without a shower, but if our odor is not offending you, again, please mind your own business. We are not celebrities, you are not the paparazzi and you have way too much free time on your hands.

You have to love the time when the guy behind Wendy taps her on the shoulder and says "Your hair is sticking up." When she gave him the WTF look, he started gesturing with his hands to indicate her hair was sticking up, like she was deaf. She was just dumbstruck that some dumb ass would tell her what she already knew - she had rolled out of bed and went to Starbuck's and had not combed her hair. Again, why do you care bucko? Paul Mitchell you are not!

We still look forward to our jaunts to Starbuck's for if nothing more, a good laugh, and a yummy latte!

Is This Museum Real or a Joke?

I love quirky museums. The more bizarre, the better. With all my travels, I get bored with art museums, historical sights, unless there is some gimmick to the attraction. Let's take a look at some of my most memorable ones:

- The International Museum of Surgical Science in Chicago - features exhibits dealing with various aspects of Eastern and Western medicine - lots of torture like medical instruments from the past, along with lots of body parts in formaldehyde.

- Call of the Wild Museum in Gaylord - The whole museum is all dead animals native to northern Michigan, tanned and stuffed. Really rather disturbing but less stinky than a zoo.

- Swaminarayan Akshardham in New Delhi - showcases the essence of India’s ancient architecture, traditions and timeless spiritual messages. This is where we took a It's a Small World boat ride through the temple and learned that an Indian invented gunpowder, antibiotics, fire and the wheel, contrary to what we have read in books!

- Liberace and Elvis-O-Rama Museums in Las Vegas - these museums more glitter and neon than anyplace in the world!

- Sake Tasting Museum in Berkeley, CA - interesting and gave me flashbacks to too many sake bombs and Korean bombs with my JCI Friends.

- The Christmas Story Museum in Cleveland, OH - where else can you go and live out the marathon TNT movie that plays for 24 hours ever Christmas? I want that leg lamp!

The Newseum in Washington D.C. - here I got to be a new reporter for the Washington Nationals, which was pretty cool!

Well there are probably a lot of other "interesting" museums that I have visited, these are at the top! Let me know the quirkiest place you have ever visited :)!

I Followed Instuctions - So Why Am I Being Badgered?

To Badger: to harass or urge persistently; pester; nag (please hold this definition for later use)

Last night Fay and I were enjoying an eclectic dinner of hot dogs, crab stuffed mushroom caps, baked potatoes and pickles while watching the hot vampires and the not-so-hot werewolves fight on The Gates when there was a vigorous knocking on the door. Hoping it is another Baby Shower gift for Mimi (a girl can dream), I went to the door to be confronted by a census worker.

"I sent in my census months ago I stated." She said she knew but the people in the condo next to me did not. And how is that my problem? Then the barrage of questions came: When will they be back? Do you know their names? Are they on vacation, as we were here earlier today and they we not at home either?

To which I responded in my most non-smart ass voice I could muster - I don't know when they will be back. Last time I looked (and not closely), none of them wore an ankle monitor that I was in charge of tracking. No, I don't know their names, we say hello in the hall, but we are not BFFs. I don't know if they are on vacation. If you were here only 6 hours ago, maybe they are at work!!!!

After a another round of assaulting questions, in which Fay giggled from inside the condo, while I gave her the finger behind my back, the census worker said she was done and then she proceeded to hand me a confidentiality notice. I am sure the extensive knowledge (or lack there of) of my neighbors was Top Secret.

I was finally able to lock the door, shoo away the crazies and get back to my vampires and werewolves!

The Glow of Pregancy is BS!

For all the women who go around telling you being pregnant is the best thing that has ever happened to them, they are complete liars. Their noses should be growing like Pinocchio. While parts of pregnancy are cool (like feeling the baby kick and hearing the heartbeat), most is not.

Let's start at the beginning when you do not know you are pregnant. Say you are tromping around the Paraguayan jungle in 100 degree heat in a suit, and you feel like dying, not too much fun! Or when you are at Carnivale jumping and dancing in a penned area for several hours, and you feel like passing out of exhaustion, the excitement of being at freakin' Carnivale is somewhat tempered.

How about the not drinking for 9 months punishment? Absolute torture! Definitely the hardest part of being pregnant! I like my apple martinis damn it and a club soda and cranberry juice does not cut it. I mean, I have resorted to non-alcoholic beer for the taste, how pathetic is that? Birthday Extravaganzas, Bar Crawls and German Park definitely lose some of their appeal!

Now the unsolicited comments: "You look like you have popped." "Wow! It's a hot summer for you to be pregnant!" "You look a little fuller." First of all, I am not a balloon. I have not popped anything. News Flash, babies take up space in your body as they get bigger. Do you need Sex 101 again? Second, this summer has been hotter than normal for long periods of time, for EVERYONE, not just for pregnant people like me. Deal with it, the weather sucks! Finally, refer to comment #1. I am pregnant bitch, that is why I look fuller, what is your excuse? Too many cupcakes?

Don't even get me started on when the baby decides to run a marathon when I am trying to sleep, the alien like movements that appear at random times during meetings and are clearly visible through your shirt or the fact that I cannot play softball like I have for the past 23 years of my life. I can't go on amusement park rides, can't go ziplining, can't go white water rafting and I am sure to get weird looks at the upcoming Eminem/Jay-Z concert.

While I am super excited to meet Mimi, could you you hurry up and get on with it? Thanks!

It all Started with a Convertible

This week, I wearily approached the rental car counter at 11:30 at night. I was tired, and I had an early morning the next day. As the representative was typing away, he says, " we don't have the mid-size car that you reserved - can we upgrade you to a convertible?" Um, let me think about that. Yeah! You certainly aren't going to give me a Yugo!

So fast forward to the next day, it is 75 degrees, not humid and the sun is shining. After figuring out how to get the roof down, I was ready for the hour ride from Augusta, back to Portland. Wishing I had a scarf to look like Jackie-O as I drove down the highway, my mind started to wander back to my days in L.A. and our convertible adventures. A couple of things not to do with a convertibles - 1) Don't try to put up the roof quickly at a stop life (even if you are the ghetto of Compton), it is nearly impossible and nerve racking; 2) Don't put your mocha frappacino on your rag top white roof - it makes an awful mess and attracts attention at the rental car return counter!

As I went by the many lakes and the bays in Maine, it brought me back to a childhood vacation to Old Orchard Beach, while even though it was July, the water was freakin' cold! One day there was a special current that came in, the water was tolerable and there were hundred of thousands sand dollars all over the sand bars. So Kiki and I decided to collect sand dollars to make ornaments, magnets, give to our friends, etc. Over the course of the day, we collected ~500. We packed them up and left Maine for our next destination in our motor home.

All was fine until Day 2, when the smell of sewer was unbearable. My Dad was stumped, the toilet tank had been emptied the night before, but even cruising down the highway at 55 mph, I was gagging! We finally figured it out - the Sand Dollars were dying and rotting in the outside compartment of the camper! A quick trip to the local grocery store in whatever city we were in and a couple of bottles of bleach later and we had the odor issue under control and the sand dollars could once again be our craft projects for the next several months!

It's funny how something as simple as an free upgrade can take you back to a long forgotten childhood memory!