The Glow of Pregancy is BS!

For all the women who go around telling you being pregnant is the best thing that has ever happened to them, they are complete liars. Their noses should be growing like Pinocchio. While parts of pregnancy are cool (like feeling the baby kick and hearing the heartbeat), most is not.

Let's start at the beginning when you do not know you are pregnant. Say you are tromping around the Paraguayan jungle in 100 degree heat in a suit, and you feel like dying, not too much fun! Or when you are at Carnivale jumping and dancing in a penned area for several hours, and you feel like passing out of exhaustion, the excitement of being at freakin' Carnivale is somewhat tempered.

How about the not drinking for 9 months punishment? Absolute torture! Definitely the hardest part of being pregnant! I like my apple martinis damn it and a club soda and cranberry juice does not cut it. I mean, I have resorted to non-alcoholic beer for the taste, how pathetic is that? Birthday Extravaganzas, Bar Crawls and German Park definitely lose some of their appeal!

Now the unsolicited comments: "You look like you have popped." "Wow! It's a hot summer for you to be pregnant!" "You look a little fuller." First of all, I am not a balloon. I have not popped anything. News Flash, babies take up space in your body as they get bigger. Do you need Sex 101 again? Second, this summer has been hotter than normal for long periods of time, for EVERYONE, not just for pregnant people like me. Deal with it, the weather sucks! Finally, refer to comment #1. I am pregnant bitch, that is why I look fuller, what is your excuse? Too many cupcakes?

Don't even get me started on when the baby decides to run a marathon when I am trying to sleep, the alien like movements that appear at random times during meetings and are clearly visible through your shirt or the fact that I cannot play softball like I have for the past 23 years of my life. I can't go on amusement park rides, can't go ziplining, can't go white water rafting and I am sure to get weird looks at the upcoming Eminem/Jay-Z concert.

While I am super excited to meet Mimi, could you you hurry up and get on with it? Thanks!