Cliques at Jazzercise

I have noticed that there are different types of people that attend Jazzercise. There are at least 5 cliques (almost like high school).

There are the "normals" which I consider myself part of. I go to class because I need the exercise. I participate, I count off my hour, and then I go home.

Then there are the "peppies." These people are just annoying. No matter how early it is, they have energy oozing from their pores, and look very put together. They make me want to smack them.

There are the "hard cores." They take 2 or 3 classes in a row and never break a sweat. They make me feel really out of shape.

There are the "interpretative dancers." These people dance to their own music in their head. They do not follow the instructor and seem like they should be in a creative dance class instead of a structured Jazzercise class. They are the least annoying though, watching them makes me laugh and takes my mind off the remaining minutes of class that I still have to survive.

Then there are "The Others" - the old man in his spandex pants, the woman who always shows up late to class, the people wearing spandex that really shouldn't. The seem a bit like me, just trying to survive :)!

Leave Well Enough Alone

My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles - this mnemonic was how I learned my planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto). That is until the International Astronomical Union on August 24, 2006 decided that Pluto was not a planet, but a dwarf planet. WTF???? I don't think once you become a planet, you should be downgraded. For 76 years, it had been good enough to play with the big kids. What gives? What becomes of my mnemonic? My Very Earnest Mother Just Served Us Nothing? Not a good idea.

As if this was not enough, when I was in school, we learned there were 4 oceans - the Atlantic, Pacific, Indian and Arctic. But in 2000, another strangely odd organization, the International Hydrographic Organization, decided another ocean (the Southern Ocean) was necessary. How do you expect parents to help their children with their school work? Maybe I will form an organization, create an ocean called The Michelle and start a campaign to have it taught in school. If others can do it, why not me?

More madness today - zodiac signs are changing. Apparently, your zodiac sign corresponds to the position of the sun relative to constellations as they appeared over 2200 years ago! A phenomenon called precession (blah, blah, blah) has altered the position of the constellations we see today. So astronomers decided that the new signs are:

Capricorn - Jan 20 to Feb 16
Aquarius - Feb 16 to Mar 11
Pisces - Mar 11 to Apr 18
Aries - Apr 18 to May 13
Taurus - May 13 to Jun 21
Gemini - Jun 21 to Jul 20
Cancer - Jul 20 to Aug 10
Leo - Aug 10 to Sep 16
Virgo - Sep 16 to Oct 30
Libra - Oct 30 to Nov 23
Scorpius - Nov 23 to Nov 29
Ophiuchus - Nov 29 to Dec 17
Sagittarius - Dec 17 to Jan 20

My birthday is March 10th and I have been a Pisces all my life. Now you are telling me I am an Aquarius, I don't think so! They added a new sign - the Ophiuchus. How do you even pronounce that? If a guy asks you your sign, is this really how you want to respond??

So please, stop changing fundamental facts that I grew up with. People need to know what they learned in school is still real!

I'm Back and With Baby

It's been over 2 months since my last blog, but you know what, get over it! I am lucky if I get a shower every day with Sophia, so Tom is happier when I am clean than if I have time to rant about my day.



Let's start on October 16th when I was admitted into the hospital because the little munchkin was due on the 11th and was holding on for dear life inside my belly. It took 28 hours of sitting around doing absolutely nothing except being pumped full of drugs for anything to happen! The worst part, I could not even eat. Really? The doctors were afraid something would happen, hello, I wanted something to happen!



Epidurals are heaven! Once they get it in correctly. It took them 3 tries (3rd time is a charm), an hour and me screaming, "I told you idiots I did not want students doing procedures on me!" only to find out they weren't students, just not very good at it. It's time to push. Oh really? I can't feel anything, might want to back off the drugs just a wee bit.

Maternity Leave can be very boring. I watched so many Christmas movies, it was not even funny. How many Christmas Carol variations are even possible - Mickey's Christmas Carol, A Diva's Christmas Carol, Ebbie, Cupid Christmas, Three Wise Women. I watched them all!

I also took time daily to pose Sophia with different things (see picture above). She has now mastered the phone, the remote, had a cupcake, hosted a tea party, hung out at the beach with her tropical umbrella and parrot. My favorite was the tea party where she was hosting a pink poodle named Fifi with her poodle tea set!

I love her onesie that says "This is my little black dress." Despite my attempts, my husband would not let me add "This is my little black dress, bitch." I thought she needed some attitude!

Getting into a routine has been a challenge. She does what she wants, when she wants. She must get that from her father!

If Patience is a Virtue, I am a Demerit

Definition of Patience: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.

My Definition: An excuse people make when they do not live up to your expectations.

I have never been a patient person. Shocking, I know, but true. I don't need immediate gratification but I do not like to be subjected to unacceptable wait times for no apparent reasons.

Like when I need a Sales Associate at a store. They either fall into 2 categories - those that work on commission or are bored, and have pounced on you like a puma before you fully step across the thresh hold of the store entrance or those who don't like there $7.50/hour job and could really give a rat's ass if you buy anything.

The other day, MJ and I were at Toys R Us. That store scares me, it is like a playground for those with ADD, there is to much to take in. I was looking for a particular item for the Twinkies birthdays, so I was on a mission. After failing to find someone to assist, and having wandered around the entire store 9 months pregnant, I made my way back to the front of the store, to track down a cashier. I walked up to Customer Service on one side and was told "I can help you over here." Are you f'in kidding me? I am 9 months pregnant and you are not. You can move your lazy ass over here and wait on me, I am the customer. Once we got the fact established that I was not moving, we could move on to securing my item and getting the hell out of there.

Last night, Scottie, Fay and I went to Palm Palace for a Past President's Party. We were slightly proud of our evening of alliteration. Lo and behold, Scottie arrived first, with me following about 5 minutes late. Fay was running 15 minutes late as she and Tom had just finished buying her a new car, so we took our booth. The waitress was on us in 30 seconds demanding our drink order, not understanding we were waiting for a 3rd person and trying to get us to order our food. After interrupting us 3 times in 5 minutes, it was enough.

Once Fay got there though, she was no place to be seen. We had to hail another waiter to get a drink and food order placed, and get the bill. We had to literally hunt her down to get her to take the payment so we could leave. Is cutting citrus really more important that your tip? Apparently, the answer was YES!

Now let's talk about the latest - Mimi being almost a week late. Really kid? We waited 4 months

to be able to tell people about you. I have schlepped you to 4 countries, 9 states and 2 rock concerts. We want to meet you! Could you throw us a bone here? Who knew my belly was so cozy!

Screw patience, maybe I am a fan of instant gratification!

Wedding Wackiness - The Big Day

To recap so far, Vegas has been an adventure. We survived the scary marriage license office, my Dad ended up in the ER during the rehearsal, unexpected friends showed up to surprise us and my niece was flippin' hysterical as usual.

Wedding morning, it was off to find some chocolattes at Starbuck's (as KellieLynn calls them) before heading back to the crazy beauty salon to get our hair done at the crack of dawn. As my hair was being teased about as high as Elvis's pompadour phase, KL comes over and declares "Auntie, you have to do something about that poof!" Hysterics ensued and it was off to the country club.

At the country club, the wind was still whipping like we were in the midst of a tropical storm, the decision was made to move the wedding ceremony inside. As Fay, MJ, Helen, Kiki, KL and Mom ran around like chickens with their heads cut off to make sure everything was done, I chilled in the dressing room with some snacks and champagne. KL was so chic drinking her Sprite from a champagne flute.

The wedding went off perfectly in a blur that seemed to last about 3 minutes, when it actually lasted 20 minutes! We had a birthday cake for Mom, Dad was heard mumbling obscenities along the lines of "I am paying for this and all I can eat is applesauce and not drink". Wendy and KL kept throwing rose petals and then collecting them and throwing them again so it was a rose storm through out the entire reception! KL danced with Bryan with a 'Y', helped Scottie secure his vest clips and after a mini-meltdown that led to a plate of chicken fingers to appear, was the life of the party.

After some spilled wine, a very happy best man (who is not used to drinking a lot of red wine) and a lot of fun, Tom and I were off to cruise the Strip in a limo. It was fun - people were trying to look in and see if we were famous! Of course, it would not have been my wedding if I did not hit a Starbuck's replete in my wedding dress! We were too big to go through the drive-in in the limo, but we did get free drinks.

Then, it was back to the hotel for showers and to get ready for the after-glow with about 30 friends!

Why The End of Summer Sucks!

While Summer officially ended on September 23rd this year, it has been flitting away from us for several weeks now. The end of summer sucks! It means trading in the shorts, tank tops and flip-flops for jeans, sweaters and boots. Since I am 9 months pregnant, this end of summer also shows that I have no fall clothes that fit, so that makes it all the more fun! Mimi needs to come soon as I will look ridiculous walking around in shorts and a winter jacket!

Summer also means the closing of all the pools, but that does not help when Indian Summer comes around. Last Tuesday, Tom and I had the day off, it was 87 degrees and we could have used a pool. We were stuck with the options of sitting inside in air conditioning or becoming sweaty messes at a Corn Maze. There is something wrong with this picture!

The end of summer means socks! I detest socks, I love to wear flip-flops and cute sandals. It is a 6-month waste of pedicures that are still necessary so your feet do not turn in cow's hooves.

Football takes over as summer ends. While it is fun to tailgate and watch the games, it is not fun to have to plan your day around the traffic patterns of 109,000 something fans who forget how to drive weekly in their search for affordable and close parking. It is not fun to show up at the tailgate dressed one way only to realize you are boiling or freezing and have made a bad wardrobe choice. You need to carry a duffel bag of clothes with you where ever you go so you can be prepared like the Boy Scouts!

Summer signals the end of baseball, something I follow with the passion of a fat kid who loves cake! It means the playoffs (yeah), but also the 5 long months before spring training where there are no good sporting events to watch on TV every day.

While Fall is fine, summer rocks! With summer ending, we are just a quick blink away from dreaded winter!

Stadium People

Every time I go to a baseball game or other event at a large venue like a stadium, the people watching is almost better than Grand Central Station at rush hour. The diversity of people is astounding, yet somewhat predictable.

First, you have your beauty queens. Women on dates or looking to impress and definitely not dressed for the occasion. Who thinks it is a good idea to wear 5 inch heals to a baseball game? If I see you in the upper deck, you are not going to get noticed by the players and get rich quick.

Next up, the partiers. These people (predominately men) really could care less who is playing as long as there is beer to be imbibed. I am all about having a good time, but when you decide to puke on the steps or pee on the railings in our section, again, I need to draw the line. How do you think this is acceptable social behavior?

Now you have the uninterested - why bother? I find it sacrilege for you to come to a game and read your book the entire time. Why deal with the crowds, the heat and the chance of getting beaned on the head, when you would rather be home with your Danielle Steele novel?

What about the idiots - by and far the predominant population at every game. The people who keep sitting right next to you infringing on your space even though the rest of the row has been empty for the 1st 3 innings. How about the people who stop in the middle of the concourse for no apparent reason? Step aside dumb ass! Or the people who get up and down 57 times in a game (refer to the partiers) - sit your ass down.

Crazy Outfit wearers are always interesting, as are ugly, fat men who take their shirts off on hot days and decide to dance for the cameras. Really? There is a reason you were not hired as a Chippendale!

Finally, there are those there for the love of the game. They were their gear, they get upset when their team is losing and they actually know the names of their players (and might even have nicknames for them). If the stadium was only filled with these people, life would be good!